They Call Me the Confuser
by fatallyxflawedxattraction
Summary: Howard finds out a secret no one knows about Vince. Yes, I know, this is the greatest summary in the history of forever. Anyhow, this is AU and tell me if the characters are OOC or if the rating I chose was ok.
1. Transsexuals in Transylvania

**AN!**This came to me when I was reading a story someone else wrote. This could probably be considered a cack!fic/AU/whatever. I will probably add more to this then; the rating will probably go up, too. Tell me if someone wrote something like already, I have a feeling someone probably has. Anyhow, as always, if you laugh, cry, or make any involuntary bowel movements, I have done my job! Read, review or set fire to! Enjoy.

**DC!** I am pretty sure Noel is _not _this and never will be...Unless if somehow I miraculously own The Mighty Boosh and write this into the show. Now _that _wouldbe interesting;D

**They Call Me the Confuser**

Howard was sick of it. He was sick of how Vince was always called a girl, or his wife, or his girlfriend. He was sick of how Vince always said he was the Confuser. Was he a man? Was he a woman? Howard didn't give a fuck. He was just sick of it. And _that_ is why he ordered a copy of Vince's birth certificate, right? It made complete sense…There is nothing wrong with that. No, nothing at all.

It took two and a half weeks to be sent but it was well worth the wait. At first, Howard could not open it. Ever time he tried, his hand would shake so violently he thought he would rip it in two. About a week after it arrived, Howard finally gained the courage to open it.

He could not believe. His birth certificate said Vince was born a girl; a girl named Veronica. How could that be? When did he…no, _she_. When did _she_ change? Why?


	2. Thoughts Of Fluffyness and Unicorns

**AN! **Hey y'all, I am back and with the new and improved, mind exploding, pants crapping second chapter of _The Confuser_!!! *and the crowd goes wild WEE!!* Hah...So yeah, this is mostly me not knowing what to write or how to make it longer than the last one. Of course, having no plot what so ever _really _helps. Honestly, it does. Anyhow, I am rambling and you want to read the story...So, just a few deciphering pointers: the "--" means setting change/whatever, you are all smart enough to realize it and the italic lettering is Howard's thoughts/thought process unless I say differently because *holds up mighty sword* I HAVE THE POOOOWWWEEEERRRR!!!!!! *coughs* Umm....yeah....Again, if you laugh cry, scream, through your computer against the wall or make any involuntary bowel movements, I have done my job. Read and review, or read and set fire to. Enjoy.

**DC! **If I owned this, I think Noel would have a problem with me and my issue with stealing unicorns...And Julien Barratt would be chained to a wall and covered in very fuzzy bunnies....I don't think any of those things actually happen...D:

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**THOUGHTS OF UNICORNS AND FLUFFYNESS**

"VINCE!!"

Vince was lounging on his bed, listening to Bollo read a story about an agoraphobic fluorescent orange unicorn.

"Bollo?"

"Yes precious Vince?"

"Did you hear anything?"

Bollo stops to think for a moment and to listen. There was no sound.

"No."

"Oh..."

"Precious Vince need no worry."

Vince smiled and gave Bollo a hug.

"Thanks."

XXXXX**THIS IS A BREAK**XXXXX

"VINCE!!" Howard called for the umpteenth time. '_Where is he?!'_

That time, Vince heard him.

"Yeah, what?"

"Could you come down here?"

"I dunno…Can I?"

"Vince…"

"Okay, okay."

Vince jumps the stairs, two at a time.

"Whatda you want Howard?"

Howard stares, he tries to speak but only manages out a "I…"

"Howard? Are you okay? You seem a bit pale." Vince turns his head to the side, reaching his hand out to touch Howard's forehead.

"Wha…? Yeah, I'm fine." Howard shakes his head and bats Vince's hand away. "Don't touch me."

"Okay then...What did you want?"

"Oh, I ugh…" Howard stumbled over his words for a moment then stopped. "Never mind…Just go…do your hair or somethin', yeah?"

Vince laughs and says "Hey, that's a brilliant idea, cheers." He runs back up the stairs with the speed that you would find in fat kid that just discovered the last doughnut on Earth.

XXXXX**THIS IS A BREAK**XXXXX

Later that day, Vince and Howard were watching TV. Vince seemed to be completely involved in the show the two were watching. Howard sat there fidgeting. He did not know how comfortable he felt sitting that close to Vince, what with his newfound knowledge and all. '_What if he jumps me? What if he tries to rape me?! What would I do? Where would I go?'_ Vince placed his hand on Howard's thigh.

"Stop." He said his eyes still glued to the TV.

Howard stared at Vince's profile.

"Wh-what do you m-mean? I'm not doing anything."

"You're shaking. Stop, it's distracting."

"But I'm n-"

"Howard." Vince warned.

The two fall silent and Howard stops fidgeting. '_When had Vince gotten to be so serious?'_ The silence that held its presence in the room was deafening. Howard would have done anything for Vince to start talking again.

"Vince…"

He remained silent. _'What do I have to do to get him to talk?"_ Howard heard a large cymbal-like sound and he looked around. He soon realized that it came from the TV. He had forgotten that it was on. He studied the screen carefully. It seemed to be about David Bowie and Queen. Howard nearly slapped himself. _'How could I be so stupid? Of course, he doesn't want to be bothered. It's Bowie and…what's that guys other name? Oh yeah, it's Mercury.' _Howard lets his eyes drift down and away form the screen in front of him. Vince's hand was still on his thigh. Howard was about to say something about but Vince lifted his hand up and stretched. He yawned scooted closer and laid his head on Howard's chest. Soon after, Vince fell asleep. What could Howard do now? He sighed and tried to get comfortable. He tried to fall asleep but he could not. It was inevitable that sleep would evade him at a time like this. Oh how life can treat you sometimes…So, to entertain himself he did as he always did and thought.

_Why didn't Vince tell me? What would I have said if Vince told me? What if I somehow now fall into some wry infactuation with him, because he's a woman?! What if I begin to love him?! What if he loves me back??!?!! Aghh!!! I'm going crazy. I _have_to be going crazy...Maybe I read his papers wrong. Why had I not known about his girlish...ness before hand? I am really that oblivious? I mean, everyone else seems to have known...Ohmigod, I that why Vince doesn't have a problem with wearing his ridiculous tight jean and never complains? Because he doesn't have a...penis? Then what does he have down there? I need to know now....Damnit._

Howard peers down at Vince's sleeping form. His eyes train down on Vince's crotch area.

_Damn...He has a bulge...What? Bloody hell! Vince has an erection...Wait...Why am I still staring?! _


	3. Lies And The Liars Who Tell Them

**AN! **I FIXED IT!!!:D Hey, it's me again with another exciting installment of They Call Me the Confuser. I know last chapter I made a comment, and I'm sorry, I'm not changing it. Anyhow, the rating went up for a reason and if you read, you'll find out why. Sorry for Howard OOC but it'll make sense, I swear. And sorry for grammar issues if there are any, I have no beta. Italics are Vince's thoughts this chapter. As per usual, if you cry, laugh, smash your computer, stab your eyes out or make any involuntary bowel movement I have done my job. Read, review or set fire too. Cheers!

**DC!**If I had ownership of any of this, do you think I'd be writing it in story form and not script form?

**RT! **T, tell me if it should go up

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**LIES AND THE LIARS WHO TELL THEM**

Vince stirred and looked up at Howard.

"Umm…Howard, why are you looking at me like that?"

Howard shook his head. "What? I wasn't looking at you. Why would I look at you?!" He said it all to fast; it sounded like one giant word and dramatically threw his head to the side.

"But you were…And you're being defensive."

"I'm not being defensive!"

"Fine, fine, whatever you say shrimp eyes."

Vince shruged and got up. He laughed and skiped daintily up the stairs and into their shared room. Howard huffed and threw his head back. What was he going to do?

XXXXX**THIS** **IS** **A** **BREAK**XXXXX

_The room was dimly lit. Vince was sitting at a table and Howard was on the opposite side staring blankly at him. He was uncharacteristically silent and unmoving._

_"Ho-Howard?" Vince croaked out._

_Howard tilts his head to the right slightly._

_"Howard what's going on here?"_

_Howard blinks slowly and opens his mouth to say someting but nothing comes out. Vince began to feel uneasy as he shifts in his sit slightly._

_"Howard, talk to me! What the bloody hell is going on?!"_ _Yes, of course hid your fears in a mask of anger**. "**Seriously, what the fuck?"_

_Howard licks his lips. "Vince," his words nearly inaudible._

_Vince perked up, Howard was talking! A sense of normalcy was taking place._

_"You lied to me…"_

_"What mate? I'm afraid I didn't catch that."_

_"I said, 'You lied to me'."_

_It was Vince's turn to stare blankly and confusedly at Howard._

_"What do you mean?"_

_"You know exactly what I'm talking about. You lied."_

_Vince sits straight up and leans forward a tad._

_"Howard, what are you talking about? What do you think I lied about?"_

_Howard pushed out of his chair, which fell to the floor._

_"VINCE! STOP BLOODY LIEING!"_

_Vince was taken aback; he had never seen Howard so violent before._

_"Howard, please don't yell! I have no clue what you're talking about!" he pleaded._

_Howard stared incredulously; face red with fury._

_"How dare you deny what is the truth!"_

_"Howard seriously, I have no bloody clue what you're talking about! What did I lie about?!"_

_Vince began to tear up slightly. He had no clue what Howard was talking about. Okay, maybe he did but how could Howard possibly know? Had Vince told him? No, he was sure he hadn't, he couldn't have._

_Howard strode towards Vince and grasped Vince's shoulders in his arms, shaking him violently._

_"I am dead serious about the Vince. Stop lying and tell me the truth."_

_Vince blinked back tears that were threatening to fall._

_"Ho…Honestly Howard," he closed his eyes momentarily. "I…I have no idea what you're talking about. I really wish I did."_

_Howard scowled and smacked Vince._

_"HOWARD!" he cried._

_"I told you; tell me the bloody fucking truth."_

_"I don't know!" Vince cried._

_Howard threw him to the floor._

_"You fucking liar. I know what you fucking are! You're fucking sick."_

_Howard spit on him and stormed out of their flat, all the while Vince cried and called out that he was sorry, that he didn't know what he did wrong, that he wanted to know so he could fix it._

XXXXX**THIS IS A BREAK**XXXXX

Vince shot out of his bed. He checked his body for damage, there was none. _Then how? _He must have dreamt it then but, he couldn't believe that his subconscious was that violent. Wasn't he the sunshine kid? The sunshine and rainbows in everyone's life? He had to go ask Naboo.

* * *

SORRY! This is what happens when you have no plot.

:P


	4. Are You A Daft Man!

**AN! **Hey, I'm back. I have lost most love and inspiration for this story. If anyone has any ideas as to where this should go/ want to help me physically write this as in partnership *HINT HINT* message me! Anyhow, there's a special cameo from Naboo in this installment [this is where you oooh and ahhh]. Sorry it took forever to write, I know it's not the best. As with all my writings, if you laugh, cry, make any involuntary bowel movements, I have done my job.

**DS! **This is about as real as me being a turkey from Asia named James. If that isn't a disclaimer, I don't know what is...

* * *

"Are you daft?!" Vince shook his head incredulously. "Are you high?!"

"No." the shaman replied, although it wasn't all that convincing due to the smoke that perpetually wafted through his room and his hookah sitting just a few feet away.

"Then why would I tell Howard?!"

"Because Vince, it's eating away at you obviously." He shook his head sadly at his friend. "Seriously, did you even _do_ your hair today?"

"I…What? Of course I…" all of a sudden, the ground seemed to be the most interesting thing in the room to Vince. "You're right…"

"Of course I am. I'm a shaman, ain't I?" Vince could _hear_ the smirk on his face.

Vince wrapped his arms around his waist and hugged himself.

"What if he hates me? What if my dream comes true?"

Naboo rolled his eyes. "Howard would be an imbecile if he would hate you for it. And your dream won't come true because that's what it is; a dream."

"I…Alright" Vince sighed and walked out of the hazy room.

"Howard, can I talk to you?"

"Hmm? What was that Vince?"

"I said 'Can I talk to you about something?"

"Ugh…sure little man." He smiles lightly.

Vince sits himself down on the small sofa.

"Well…You've been…because of…"

Howard tilts his head to the side. Vince is never at a loss for words or ever this flustered.

"Are you okay?"

Vince looks up into Howard's small, brown eyes. _Like home…_

"Howard, I don't know how to say it but…"

"I know Vince."

"What? How?" Vince exclaims incredulously.

Howard chuckles. "I got a copy of your birth certificate…"

"Oh…"

"I'm good with it, ya hear?"

"That's...good..." He smiles at this.

"Yeah…What now?"

"Mad bunny sex?"

Howard stops at this.

"Mad bunny sex?"

"Yeah! On the telly, see!"

Howard turns his head towards their television. Low and behold, it was off. He turns his head back towards Vince while saying:

"Vince, the tell-"

He couldn't finish his sentence, or any thought in his head at the moment because Vince pressed his lips to his in a soft kiss. When they pull away Howard says:

"Vince, what the…"

The aforementioned man grins greatly.

"What do you think about _that?_"

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Read and review or read and set fire to!


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